Reflections on a Decade...

The sound of a chain clinking, enveloped in darkness, followed by waking in the embrace of an unknown person, feeling powerless, immobilized, and frightened...

Reflections...

• 5hr emergency spinal fusion

• 1 week ICU Jefferson Health

• 6 Month Jefferson Magee Rehab hospital

• 1 year rehabbing

The challenges I faced were intricate and deeply personal. In May 2015, experiencing temporary paralysis and a Spinal Cord Injury (Quad Incomplete C1-C6) was a turning point in my life. At the age of 52, this physical struggle affected not only my mobility but also my mental and emotional well-being. While no spinal cord injury is identical, many of my symptoms are common among other SCI survivors: loss of movement (paralysis), altered sensations, loss of bowel and/or bladder control, exaggerated reflexes or spasms, changes in sexual function, pain or intense stinging sensations, blood pressure issues, body temperature disruptions, and gastrointestinal and bladder problems.

The path to recovery was fraught with doubt, fear, and pain. I had to face my deepest fears and insecurities, often feeling isolated and alone. Even now, I grapple daily with the degenerative nature of my injury and the emotional weight of being unable to perform some of the simplest tasks. I had to relearn basic skills & tasks, and adapt to a new lifestyle. This phase of my life was characterized by intense physical therapy, emotional upheaval, and a constant struggle to remain hopeful.

Over the past ten years, I have continued to question my identity and purpose. The effort to regain a sense of normalcy and independence remains daunting and frightening at times, occasionally leaving me exhausted. I never blamed myself for that day, but I understood it would transform my life in ways I couldn't fully comprehend at the time.

The now...

I want to begin by expressing my deepest respect and compassion for those who live with chronic pain and trauma. You are true warriors, facing daily battles with courage and strength. For me, the present is filled with a sense of melancholy and loneliness, a lingering scar from the trauma. I feel broken many days... Facing each day uncertain about the intensity of pain or experiencing anxiety or depression can be burdensome. Planning future events becomes challenging, as the uncertainty of whether you'll be able to manage or cope with the situation on that particular day can be overwhelming in itself. For example, scoping out where the restrooms are at a venue or looking for access for the disabled. Because I don't use any aids when walking, my limitations aren't apparent to others. This can be quite frustrating, as I experience many of the same symptoms and pain as those who use walkers or even wheelchairs.

Despite these obstacles, I discovered strength in reconnecting with hope, love, and faith. The support from my family and friends was crucial to my recovery and my everyday life. Their unwavering belief in me helped me to believe in myself. I realized that I always knew who I was; I just needed to trust in my own resilience and capabilities. I also have an incredible support system consisting of doctors, nurses, and therapists who assist me in managing my physical and mental well-being. Neither am afraid to ask help when I have those dark days...

I have had to accept my physical limitations and ongoing degenerative health as I age. Even though I am unable to work due to my physical limitations, I have had to seek purpose and fulfillment through other means. Embracing these limitations has been challenging, but it has taught me the importance of resilience and adaptability. It also requires setting aside my ego and/or fear to ask for help when needed, whether physical and/or emotional. Each day brings new challenges, but I strive to face them with courage and a positive outlook. My journey is ongoing, and I continue to learn and grow from each experience. I have learned to appreciate each day as a blessing, whether good or bad. No longer do I take for granted the birds singing or a beautiful sunrise with a hot cup of coffee. There are reminders all around us to slow down and enjoy the experience; however, our environment and our very nature as human beings often distract us from living a purposeful and intentional life. I actively encourage myself and others to listen, breathe, and stay silent in meditation or prayer. Your inner thoughts will never deceive you. You may choose to ignore them due to your ego or external pressures like career, money, and/or fame. These, I have found, will never fully satisfy the thirst for more.

Discovering...

Over the last decade, I've dedicated time to self reflecting or, more precisely, introspection. Although it's likely the last thing we wish to concentrate on—our true selves—sometimes circumstances compel us to do so...whether its a tragic accident, disease, loss of a love one, or a brush with death.

You may ask "How does one self-reflect?" It begins with getting to know who you really are inside (not what others say or tell you who you are). What do you love, what do you dislike, what stresses you out, etc.? But then, what do you need to change? This is the difficult part for many of us. It requires honesty, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. It involves setting aside time to for prayer, reflecting, meditating, and engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment. It means being patient with yourself and understanding that growth is a continuous process. I find I discover more about myself when I am silent and in the moment.

I frequently use drawing, painting, and journaling as tools to focus on my inner self. This means allowing myself to feel whatever emotions arise and letting them pass through me like clouds on a sunny day. The emotion is neither good nor bad; it is simply a feeling.

Acceptance...

Just like everyone else on this planet, we all experience some form of physical and/or emotional pain. Coping and acceptance are two ways we use to alleviate this pain. However, we each handle it in our own individual ways. There are no right or wrong methods for coping, just as emotions are not right or wrong; they are merely responses to our experiences. Each day, I strive to think about the potential benefits it may offer, regardless of whether it's especially difficult or solitary, and I aim to embrace it as it comes. We are never truly alone. We have our family, friends, faith, and even strangers to remind us of this. We just need to open up and let others see our vulnerability at times. By embracing vulnerability and openness, you can liberate yourself from the pressure to seek acceptance and the sensation of loneliness.

Maintaining...

As you age, the body undergoes a natural process of deterioration, which can manifest in various ways, including decreased muscle mass, reduced flexibility, and diminished cardiovascular health. Given my current physical condition, it has become increasingly important for me to focus more intently on the small details that contribute to my overall well-being. This includes a comprehensive approach that encompasses daily exercise, mindful nutrition, and healthy sleep habits, all aimed at enhancing my quality of life. By integrating these elements into my daily routine, I strive to preserve my current mobility, maintain my range of motion, and bolster my strength, which are all vital for an active lifestyle.

Maintaining a daily routine is even more crucial when your strength and range of motion are limited. The challenges posed by aging can make us more susceptible to various forms of degeneration, whether it be in our joints, muscles, or even cognitive functions. Therefore, we must make every effort to preserve our physical and mental well-being, recognizing that proactive measures can significantly impact our quality of life as we grow older. Yes! It undeniably takes discipline and dedication to adhere to a structured regimen; however, isn’t your body and mind worth the effort? After all, we are fortunate to inhabit this incredible machine of a body, which is equipped with five remarkable senses that allow us to experience the world in profound ways. This body requires regular maintenance and care, even when it is not functioning perfectly.

Incorporating a consistent exercise routine not only helps in maintaining physical strength but also plays a crucial role in enhancing mental health. Engaging in activities such as walking, stretching, or even yoga can improve circulation, boost endorphin levels, and promote a sense of well-being. Nutrition is equally essential; consuming a balanced diet rich in vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants can help combat the effects of aging and support overall health. Additionally, prioritizing sleep is vital, as it allows the body to recover and rejuvenate, ensuring that both physical and mental faculties remain sharp.

Moreover, the importance of social interactions and mental engagement cannot be overstated. Staying connected with friends and family, participating in community activities, or even engaging in hobbies can provide the necessary stimulation for the mind, helping to fend off feelings of isolation and depression that can sometimes accompany aging. It is essential to create a balanced lifestyle that nurtures both the body and mind, fostering resilience against the challenges that come with age. In this pursuit, every small step counts, and each effort contributes to a healthier, more fulfilling life. By committing to this journey of self-care and maintenance, we honor the incredible gift of our bodies and the experiences they allow us to enjoy.

Appreciating...

I try to find joy in simple things, like a child's laughter, the warmth of a hug, or the tranquility of a quiet evening. Cultivate gratitude by recognizing the positive aspects of your life and expressing appreciation for the people and moments that bring you happiness. Surround yourself with positivity, seeking out experiences and relationships that uplift and inspire you.

Nurture your mind, body, and soul by engaging in activities that promote well-being and fulfillment. Whether through creative expression, physical exercise, or spiritual practice, make time for the things that nourish your spirit and bring you inner peace. Remember, your journey is unique, and it is up to you to create a life that reflects your values and aspirations.

Try to live with purpose and intention, by setting goals that align with your passions and dreams. Take bold steps towards your ambitions, knowing that each effort, no matter how small, brings you closer to realizing your potential. Having faith in your abilities and trust in the process, perseverance and determination are the keys to success.

Connect with others and build meaningful relationships, recognizing that we are all interconnected (even through all our differences, we still have more in common than we don't) and that our actions have the power to impact those around us. Offer kindness, support, love, and compassion, and you will receive the same in return. By fostering a sense of community and belonging, you create a network of love and support that enriches your life and the lives of others.

Giving Back...

My unwavering commitment to God to give back every single day for the rest of my life serves as a powerful source of inspiration and brings rewards that I never thought were possible. This promise not only shapes my daily actions but also enriches my spirit in ways that continually surprise me. One of the most significant ways I fulfill this commitment is through my role as co-chair of the Jefferson Moss-Magee Night of Champions. This prestigious event is not just a gathering; it is a heartfelt initiative where the proceeds directly support the very programs that played a crucial role in helping me regain my life during challenging times. The impact of these programs on my journey has been profound, and being able to contribute to their continuation fills me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment. In addition to my involvement in this remarkable event, I also dedicate time to delivering food to the homeless on Thanksgiving morning alongside the Knights of Columbus. This annual tradition is not just about providing a meal; it is about sharing compassion and warmth with those who are often forgotten in our society. As we gather to prepare and distribute food, I am reminded of the importance of community and the power of collective action. This act of giving back on a day that celebrates gratitude reinforces the idea that everything begins with caring for and loving one another. It is a beautiful reminder that our small acts of kindness can create ripples of hope and change in the lives of others. Moreover, this commitment to service helps me to momentarily set aside my own pain and fears. When I focus on the needs of others, I find that my own struggles fade into the background. Engaging in acts of kindness not only uplifts those around me but also has a profound impact on my life every single day. The joy that comes from helping others and witnessing their gratitude is immeasurable. It instills in me a sense of belonging and connection, reminding me that I am part of something larger than myself. This journey of giving back continually shapes my perspective, encouraging me to embrace life with a heart full of love and a spirit dedicated to service.

On that day ten years ago, on a beautiful May morning that was filled with the promise of warmth and sunshine, I awoke to find a stranger's arm around me on a crowded city street. The air was alive with the sounds of laughter and the gentle hum of conversations, as people bustled about, riding their bicycles and enjoying the vibrant atmosphere of the city. The streets were lined with blooming flowers, and the sweet fragrance of spring filled the air, creating a stark contrast to the confusion and disorientation I felt in that moment. I remember the rush of emotions as I realized the unfamiliarity of my surroundings, the faces of the passersby becoming a blur as I tried to piece together how I had ended up in such a situation.

That morning marked a pivotal moment in my life, a turning point that would shape my perspective on community and connection. In the days that followed, I reflected deeply on that experience, recognizing how vulnerable we can all feel at times, especially when faced with unexpected circumstances. It became clear to me that everyone has their own struggles, their own stories of fear and uncertainty. This realization ignited a fire within me, compelling me to take action in my own neighborhood, church, and broader community.

Now, I actively engage in giving back to strangers, understanding that there is always someone in need—someone who, like me, may have woken up feeling scared, lost, and all alone. Whether it’s volunteering at local shelters, organizing food drives, or simply offering a listening ear to those who are struggling, I have made it my mission to reach out and connect with those around me. Each act of kindness, no matter how small, can make a significant difference in someone’s life.

I have come to appreciate the power of community and the importance of lending a helping hand. It is in these moments of connection that we can find solace, knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. By extending compassion to others, I have not only enriched their lives but have also found a deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment in my own. The journey from that bewildering morning ten years ago to my current commitment to service has been transformative, teaching me invaluable lessons about empathy, resilience, and the profound impact we can have on one another.

As I continue to engage with my community, I am reminded that every encounter is an opportunity to share kindness and support. It is my hope that by giving back, I can inspire others to do the same, creating a ripple effect of compassion that spreads throughout our neighborhoods and beyond. In this interconnected world, we all have the power to uplift one another, turning moments of fear and isolation into opportunities for connection and hope.

Love Always

Tony